Thanksgiving weeeeeeek!

3:55pm

Maybe Goslin will just burn down before Tuesday so I can start my Thanksgiving break early AND not have to take my Genetics test. We need a new science building anyway... :P

I have been so absolutely lazy all weekend and I don't think it's gonna get much better tonight. I love Sundays until about 11pm... I get to spend the evening with my darling boy. I'll head over there around 6 or so, we'll fool around for a little while, maybe grab a bite to eat or dessert if we already ate, drive to QT to get a drink and take it to his mom at church when she gets out of choir at 9. She likes it when he meets her there because she likes to be able to follow him home and have him walk her inside the house at night. God I love a boy who loves his mama. :)

SO it's going on 4 now. If I can get two good hours of studying done, then I'll treat myself to the rest of the evening with him. I have lots of time between classes to catch up on reading tomorrow and then tomorrow night of course.

I'm SO excited for Thanksgiving. That is, if everything goes according to plan. I'm hoping that we can go to my aunt's house in Covington for lunch, then my house at 4 for early dinner, then his house afterwards for more dinner. Hey, last year I went to like 5 dinners, I think 3 this year will be easy to manage.

:D yay for happy moods! :)

Whoo

6:00pm

Oh, blog. I'm only 300 words away from being done with my paper... that is, done with the first draft. Revisions will probably keep be going another couple of hours, but hey. At least the heavy work will be done.

Of course no matter how proud I may be of this paper, it isn't going to yield a good enough grade for the nazi lady. Every paper I turn it gets turned in with pride, but the balloon pops when I get the grade back.

Blegh. Whatevs.

Gotta finish, gotta finish, gotta finish.

Good Day So far...

10:00 am

Wow. Today I got registered in record time (20 minutes) and got every class I wanted. No more Nazi lady for core!! :) It's been a swell day so far. The only sucky thing is all the work I need to catch up on. And the fly presentation today. But it shouldn't be too bad. I have my little white pill that I can always take if I need to.

I'm in the library now, about to start on some work. The presentation is at 12:30, then I'll go get lunch, and I have a meeting at 4. After that I'll probably go to the library in Tucker and do some more work until I can go over to the boy's house since I didn't get to see him last night.

:D

Welcome back into my life, blog.

1:50pm

It really has been too long since I've written anything. I think that's caused a lot of the bottled up stress that I have going on right now. Well really until about 30 minutes ago I wasn't that stressed or upset, but school of course changed that for the day.

Let's start with school.

I hate school. I am so ready for school to be over, but I'm stuck in it for at least another year after this one. This year in particular sucks ass. I hate my Biology public speaking class with a passion. I had my long speech this past Monday and after spending a week working my ass off on my powerpoint and marching my ass up to the front of the room and talking for 25 minutes, I honestly thought I had done a kick ass job. Granted I had to take a xanax again just to calm me down, I don't know maybe that's why I felt so good about it because I was just feeling good period. Today I got my evaluations back from the students in the class and boy howdy did I suck! They pointed out every single "um" and "so" and stuttering of words that I did through the whole thing and MADE IT A POINT to call me out on being nervous.

**on a side note, I just spent the last 15 minutes writing and somehow I pushed something and it's all gone now except for what's above so. Fuck it. I'm not re writing it.

So life updates. Life's going alright I mean it could be worse. I went to a new doctor on Tuesday and talked to him about all the shit that's been going on and he prescribed be Celexa, which is a mild antidepressant, and Ativan, which is like xanax and is used for treating anxiety and panic attacks. I'm extreeeeemely relieved to have the ativan now. I'm really more relieved to have that than the celexa. It's something that's hard to explain and describe to someone who is normal and doesn't have anxiety and nerves. It's a feeling like there's a really big dog sitting on your chest, you feel so much compression and tightness around your whole chest. Then every so often there's a tingly feeling that shoots down from your chest to the bottom of your spine. And of course there are always butterflies in the stomach. Sometimes it's worse than butterflies, it feels more like... stomach clenching, I guess. Really hard clenching though. Sometimes you get light headed enough to where you feel like you could pass out. While all of that is going on on the inside, stuff goes on outside too. Your face turns red, sometimes (if you're like me) your neck and chest get splotchy red, your eyes feel like they're the size of dinner plates, and you can feel your heartbeat in your throat. You literally have to tell yourself to breathe because sometimes you stop. This is what anxiety and a panic attack feels like. It is one of the most unpleasant things you can ever experience. But there are drugs that help fight that. For instance Monday, I took a xanax for my speech. The whole day I had that compressed chest feeling. I could not wait until 4:00 rolled around because that meant that it would be time to take my pill and let it dictate the rest of the day. Within fifteen minutes, I was fine. The compression was gone, the stomach clenching was gone, the shaking was gone, the tingling in the spine was gone... everything felt like it was going to be okay. And I made it through the speech without passing out or throwing up. So I talked to the doctor and he thinks it's more anxiety than depression so he went ahead and gave me the ativan too. And just knowing that I have the bottle in my purse with me wherever I go is comforting. If anything starts happening and I start feeling like that, I know I'm only fifteen minutes away from relief.

Of course my stepmother thinks I make all this shit up.

Other things in life that are considerably more peachy: joel and I. God I love that boy. He makes me smile so much. I love being around him, I love falling asleep on his chest, I love how his hair smells, I love his soft kisses, I love when he puts his arm around me.... it's amazing how much you can change. I never would have thought that I would have given him the time of day, let alone to start falling for him. I honestly used to be scared of him.... it got to a point where he seemed like he was following me around and would come to sheridan's where I worked and sit in the parking lot and stuff... I mean it got to the point where it freaked me out a little bit. But now that I know him and I know his family and the kind of people that he comes from.... I want nothing more. He's just as normal as anybody else is. And God do we have everything in common. Except for football teams. That's the only thing :D

Okay well. I feel a little bit better. Not a lot because now that I've been talking about him I want to go see him but he's at work for the day and I have to go do some studying anyway. Maybe later tonight..

Chest is loosened, but only slightly.

2:16 am

Phew. Genetics lab report has been cranked out and finished. And I must say, I feel like I did a pretty damn good job. Hell I feel almost as good as I did when I wrote my first paper for the Nazi lady... then I got it back and got a D on it so. y'know. Shit happens. This is only a first draft of it though. We get to do a resubmission if there's anything wrong with it.

That was only one of a MOUNTAIN of stresses I have on my mind right now. The biggest one, for sure, is my long speech coming up in just two short weeks. The next one, which should be my biggest stress right now, is the looming Genetics test on Wednesday, followed soon after by the next paper due for the Nazi lady on Friday.

But, now is not the time to talk about that because I am kind of short on time and am too tired to give an in-depth bitching about everything that's going wrong in my life right now... it's rather late and I'm due to wake up in just a couple of hours. So much for trying to get back into a routine of sleeping normal hours.

However, I am trying to have a new attitude in dealing with all the daily calamities so starting now, I will begin a list of things that I use, or have used in the past, to de-stress with:

1. the absolute best de-stressor right now is Joel. He is beginning to move into my heart and take on a large part of my life. When I'm with him, nothing in the world matters.

2. naughty time with Joel. ;) Seriously though, I was talking to Tori's mom the other day and she said that consistently having intimate sexy time is not only a way of connecting with someone on a different level, but is a way to alleviate stress. Physical contact in a close proximity is one of the most comforting things you can provide for your body. Plus, he's rather enjoyable. ;)

3. my Andrew Johnson apps on my phone. They're all geared toward helping cope with stress, and I listen to them often. I actually have one now that's supposed to help with the fear of public speaking, but I haven't been able to sit and really listen to it yet. Plan on doing that every day until my speech starting tomorrow.

4. showers and putting on lotion afterwards. I'm definitely the type of person who heavily relies on a touching sense. Kissing me on my neck is one of the biggest turn ons for me, followed closely by gently grabbing my face and caressing my neck. So hot showers definitely have an affect. Plus I try to take some extra time to rub my feet when I'm putting on lotion when I get done.

5. this blog. Even though I haven't written in a while, it's almost like having a shrink who doesn't talk back. And I can cuss as much as I want. damnshitfuckingcunt. But really, it's nice to have an outlet to vent.

6. napping. This one can get me in trouble, though, seeing as I tend to over-nap. If I lay down to power-nap, it's game over. Rarely have I ever successfully taken a nap in under an hour... try 2-3 hours.

And there are more, but I will add to the list as I go. It's late (damn, 2:30 already... ugh.) and I have to get up early to get to school early so... I gotta run.

:D

A Shitty Cap to a Magical Weekend.

1:09 am

When driving, I've hit a rabbit, a squirrel, and a possum before.

Tonight, it was a deer.

Fucking mutilated Bambi on Hugh Howell Road. And my car got banged up pretty bad too. When it happened, I was really just all shook up so I turned around and went back to Joel's house and sat there hysterical for a little bit. I didn't see it on the road on the way back into Tucker. Then he followed me home and talked to my dad for a bit while they looked at my car and stuff. Really, it could be worse and I know that it could have been so much worse... but I just cannot even begin to describe how I feel right now. I don't know if it's sad or anger or guilt or what.... my stomach is in a knot right now and I still feel like I'm going to throw up. I guess part of that could be because I didn't eat dinner, but I'm not hungry right now. I have a feeling tonight's gonna be a long night, so maybe I can eat later. Tomorrow, of all things, I have an anatomy exam. Which I have not studied for hardly at all this weekend because I was too busy being all goopy-in-love kind of stuff at Joel's house because his family was in Cali for the weekend. I was just trying to have a good time since I hardly ever get to see him during the week, unless it's in the wee hours of the morning. I guess this is just what I get for deliberately ignoring that little inner voice telling me to go study all weekend.

Life is hard.

insert your own witty caption here.

11:32 am

Frankly, nothing has gone right in the last couple of months. Not even the one thing that really makes me happy by spending time with him. More on that later.

I'm just not havin' it now.

I want to run away from everybody and everything.

God Bless the Power of Xanax

12:57 am

So. The short talk is tomorrow. In 16 hours to be exact. Right at this EXACT moment, I'm not nervous. No stomach aches. No vomit coming up in my throat. No racing heart.

See blog title.

I had several fits of hysteria on Friday night because I was just absolutely dreading Monday because of the short talk. Lots of crying got done (but it was good... like I said in a recent post, I believe in the power of a good cry every once in a while). All day Saturday I was mopey and didn't really enjoy myself at the car show. Today I woke up and felt like breaking down again and ultimately did when I went and talked to my stepmom about it. She told me that she would give me two Xanax pills, one to take today and see how it affected me, and one to take tomorrow for the speech. So I took it today around 4:00 and... well I didn't feel significantly different. Definitely was mellow for the afternoon. I kept assessing myself to see if it had worked and every once in a while, I would start thinking about the speech and... nothing happened. No reaction. Ordinarily when I think about it, it feels like a feather runs up and down my spinal cord and my stomach clenches up a little. But nothing really happened. It was quite nice that, for once, I had an afternoon where I wasn't stressing out over... everything. I think it might be starting to wear off a little bit now... it's been 9 hours. I'm still chill right now and when I think about doing the speech, the spine thing doesn't happen. The only thing I worried about all day was worrying if it would work on my worry tomorrow. Lol.

I can't remember if I've already blogged about this or not, but Friday I had a really, really brief presentation to give in Core. I figured if anything, it could be used as a warm-up for the short talk on Monday. When I walked into the room, I was fine except for the alternating clenching and fluttering of my stomach. I sat down and as soon as she started calling the roll, it felt like the room spiked about 20 degrees because I knew that my presentation would follow right after roll. Somewhere in the G's, I could start to feel my heart beating... in my throat. It felt like my eyes were starting to bug and I knew my face was already starting to turn red. Finally, when she told me to go up there and do it, something inside me burst. When I stood up, I felt my body moving, but it felt like I was still sitting in my seat. I didn't breathe until I got up to the podium. When I finally got there and started talking, I didn't look up at the class hardly at all, maybe two or three times. I read from my paper and played with my fingers and rocked on my heels. The whole time, I felt like I couldn't breathe... but I probably wasn't breathing so... y'know. Finally it was over and I walked back to my seat. After about 5 minutes, I felt better... My heart had quit beating in my ears and my neck and I felt the redness and the splotches leaving my face and chest. And that was that. Less than 5 minutes and I panicked that bad. The one tomorrow is 15 minutes.

I told Joel about it, and he told me to get Xanax. I told my hairdresser later that day, and she told me to get Xanax. I told Victoria, and she told me to get Xanax (or get drunk and go do it). I told my stepmom, and she laughed at me. Which sent me rolling into the crying Friday. Nobody in my family knows what happens to me when I'm thrown into a situation like that (be it social or just doing a presentation). It's one of the worst feelings in the world. It's hard to describe, other that just pure awful. Panicky. It's awful to feel so helpless.

So anyway, after making a fool of myself in from of Terri, she finally suggested that I take the pills. So I did. And here we are.

I just hope it works tomorrow.

***
11:36am

The stomach clenching is back. Five hours to go until the speech. I'm just psyching myself out, I know it's gonna be okay because I have my paper to read from and I have my happy pill.

This morning in the dragon lady's class, my group got picked to act out a skit about RNA processing or some bullshit. Cue new nerves.

Bleh. Hell week was supposed to be over after the speech today. I'm thinking it won't be though...

There's a rumbly in my tumbly

4:20 pm

And it's not because at Mexican last night.

Actually I didn't eat Mexican, but I was just trying to make a point. :)

I am absolutely, positively D.R.E.A.D.I.N.G next Monday. I have to do my short talk for Bio Seminar. Short being 15-20 minutes. Doesn't seem so short to me... I have two potential articles picked out that I can talk about. I honestly didn't have any idea what topic I wanted to do so after a near-breakdown last night, I spent some time browsing through online journals to try and find some topic of interest. I finally found something about alcohol consumption in college students, so I used that in my search on Galileo. Now I just need to go see the Dragon Lady and make sure the topic is appropriate. And then write a 15-20 minute speech. And then vomit some.

Good news, though, my Core paper is DONEZO. I cranked it out Tuesday, had it revised Wednesday and completely finished it with all the corrections made at about 4:30 this morning. Much to my surprise, the guy in the writing center said that it was a very good paper and had a strong critical analysis. So woo for me. I just hope the Nazi Lady likes it.

From now on, Dr. Holmes is the Nazi Lady and Dr. Schmeichel is the Dragon Lady. It's appropriate.

Last night I went to bed at 8 and woke up at 1. I tried going back to sleep but couldn't, so I worked on my paper and finished my 5 minute precis speech for the Nazi Lady's class tomorrow (another eek, but it's only 5 minutes. That pales in comparison to the BioSem one) Got to sleep around 6 and slept until noon. I'm pretty sure my body is in some sort of shock mode right now. I usually alternate nights that I get sleep... LIke one night will be three hours and the next will be 10 and back and forth. Maybe if I keep it up I'll have a real breakdown by Monday and won't have to give my speech! :) Kidding.

Kind of.

So anyway. I'm on campus today because I have to go to an extracurricular movie at 7 for the Dragon Lady's class. It's the Michael Moore movie, Sicko. I've seen it before and enjoyed it so it shouldn't be too terrible. I just hate being here on my off days. I came here early so I could print off the articles and make the final-final revisions and email it to the Nazi Lady. I really need to read for Anatomy & Genetics. Two and a half hours to kill.

I hope I get to see the boy tonight. I felt awful that I was too tired to do anything last night. Maybe tonight..... ;)

Sunday (Monday?) Blues

2:03 am

Phew. Just got done reading for Core. Well all but the last 5 or so pages... it started getting complicated and I was losing interest fast so I just kinda skimmed them. I'm kiiiiiinda caught up in that class. I need to skim through everything that's highlighted in the next day and try to figure out something to write my paper on. It's due Friday. Dreading that. But then again, I've talked to people who have had Dr. Holmes and they said that she usually chews up the first paper but if you show progress by the last paper, then she goes easier on you and it's easier to get a better grade on it... I hope so.

The only thing I've got on my plate that is absolutely freaking me out is the short talk for Bio Seminar next Monday. I still need to go find something to read, read it, and write up a speech/powerpoint presentation on it and get ready to talk about it for 20 minutes on Monday. ABSOLUTELY dreading that one. I hate speaking in front of people. I would rather sit through a root canal.

I've had a lot on my mind in the last couple of days. Most of it about school. I'm always wondering and asking myself why in the hell I didn't go to an easier (and cheaper) school. I think it would have been a lot less stressful. I am absolutely the most ridiculous person in the world sometimes. I actually get legitimately, four-year-old child scared of going to school. Unless I know for a fact that it's only a lecture I have to sit through. If I'm going to class and I know it's just a lecture and all I have to do is sit there and take notes, I am absolutely fine. When it comes to labs I'm aiiiight. Much better with Biology labs than Chemistry. Doing real stuff, like doing speeches and crap, terrifies the piss out of me. Anything that requires me to become something other than the fly on the wall that I wish to be make my stomach tremble in nerves. This week in Genetics, we're doing skits to act out DNA replication, translation, and something else. Which is retarded. I fucking hate Dr. Schmeichel purely because she has all this stupid, silly, childish shit that she makes us do. The poem thing was already a disaster and I'm just dreading the skit. Especially with my two partners... whom I don't really care too much for.

If I could do it all again, I would have SO done it differently.

I prayed so hard that the weekend would drag by. I knew I would be having a good weekend, getting time to spend with my lovey-dovey little boy and all. It was definitely an awesome one. Saturday, I went over to his house and watched the Oklahoma (yuck! :] ) football game with him and his mom. Then we got in his '63 Fairlane (which is actually my aunt's old one.. he bought it from her) and drove to Main St. for the Cruise-In. We walked around for a while and then left to go to dinner with his aunt and uncle. It started storming on us at dinner (we were on the outside patio) so we moved inside. Then left to go home but took a detour to Bruster's. All in all, I had a marvelous night. And it wasn't just that I got to do all kinds of fun things. But it's because I got to spend time with him. I genuinely enjoy every single minute that I get to be with him. Y'all, this time it's different. He's different. I'm falling for him and I can't stop myself. And it's scaring me just a little bit how fast I'm falling. I don't want to mess this up. I'd like to go far with this one...

Weight Watchers (oh wait, am I still doing that?? :] ) should be a good one tomorrow night. We didn't weigh in last week, but I've been behaving for the most part. The scale at home is telling me so, at least...

Bah. So 2:20am. Gotta wake up at 7. I'll probably go crawl in bed around 3... A good four hours should do the trick. I have class until 5:45 tomorrow, so it's gonna be a long one. That's another thing I hate about school... long hours. Granted, sleeping in on T/TH is nice... It's hard staying on campus that long on Mondays and Wednesdays. And in class pretty much back-to-back all day. I'll get a good hour and a half for lunch at least...

God what a mopey post. It won't make it much better to whine about going to bed alone... There was one weekend, back when that boy and I first started talking and... stuff... that his mom went to Alabama to see his dad and his aunt and uncle (who live next door) were out at some army thing or something. So he had his house completely to himself and didn't have the neighbors to worry about. So I spent the night on that Friday night. And it was the most glorious Friday night. I love cuddling anyway.... and sleeping with my back up against his chest, wrapped around each other.... it was a magical night. I really hope to be able to do it again. I just don't know when....

Blegh. Now I'm getting upset. Thinking about it. It's almost like separation anxiety. I go to sleep at night hoping that he'll text me in the middle of the night (he kinda stays up late, or falls asleep on his couch and wakes up in the middle of the night to go to his bed). He'll sometimes text me just a little text and most of the time, I hear the dinging sound on my phone so I wake up and respond. During the day, chances are I won't hear from him until 11 or later... that's when I can *safely* pull out my phone in class because Dr. Baube is a G and doesn't care if you have it out in class. [This part really gets hokey and corny] but the anticipation I get when I get my phone and turn on the home screen builds... and it just makes me go through the roof if I see a little red bubble next to my texting icon saying that I have a missed text. I love hearing from him. I love talking to him. I love spending time with him. Every second..

So having his texts makes me feel better. Venting in this blog makes me feel better. Lately I've been getting in touch with my inner Christian and talking to God and that makes me feel better. I have lots of things at my disposal to make me feel better.

I just can't forget that I have them there.


6:46pm

Fuck this day.
Fuck Oglethorpe.
Fuck everything.

Disappointed

2:37pm

So Dr. Schmeichel gave us a feedback on our poems. Apparently mine just sucked all around and accounts for most of the reason we only got an 85 on it.

She said, and I quote, "It stayed very close to what we had covered in class and was not as original as I had hoped."

This is why I don't do creative writing and stuff like that because I don't handle criticism well, especially when I feel that I did above and beyond what was asked. I was genuinely proud of the poem that I wrote. She's all about doing cheesy, hokey things in class and I think I pretty much covered that. I mean it's a fucking limerick for fuck's sake. And she knows that the shit that she does is silly. She's said it... many times. If I had a nickel for every time in class she said, "I know this is silly and hokey but..."

This is just like last year when we had the Physics poster board project and I BUSTED my ass to get it together since my partner didn't do anything. It looked fucking amazing. And Dr. Cramer did nothing but chew it up and spit it back out and stomp all over it.

So far in this class with the group work, everything I've suggested has gotten shot down. The team names and I suggested were rejected by my group. And now my poem isn't good enough.

Whatever. Little girls cry, big girls say fuck it.

I'm just very upset about it. From all the stories I'd heard about Dr. Schmeichel and the class itself, I knew that it was going to be a miserable ride. I went into it with my head held high thinking that maaaaaaybe it would be different for me. Maybe we'll get along great. Maybe I'll enjoy doing all the stupid little poems and skits and bullshit.

But so far it is not going that way.

Just feeling kind of... blah

11:27 pm

I think I'm just stressed out right now. I don't really actually FEEL the stress right now, but I have a hunch that it's what's wrong with me. I feel blah right now. There's a lot that is already on my plate and only more is going to be added in the next week.

I have a wildly high expectation of myself in that I will try to get all of the Core readings of Herodotus done tonight before bed. Also, I have two chapters of a book for anatomy I need to read for a quiz tomorrow (but if anything, I can run through those during lunch tomorrow... it'll just be a tight squeeze) I got caught up with a pretty large chunk of work today. Went to the Tucker library and stayed for a good four hours and did mostly Genetics. Finished all the reading and typing up of some summary notes. It's always nice to have stuff from the book typed up... I put it in my dropbox and it syncs to my phone automatically, so I have stuff that I can study on my phone if I'm on the go somewhere. I got through some of the text reading for anatomy (actually I'm pretty much caught up in it) I had a throbbing headache so when 6:00 rolled around I packed up and went back home. All in all, I think it was a successful day for studying.

Next week is when it's gonna start piling on and the real stress is gonna come out. There's a Core paper due next Friday, the 17th, which I am absolutely terrified about. I have no idea what topic to pick to write about. Dr. Holmes has hinted at a few in class but none of them have really caught my attention as being potentially interesting. I'm hoping something will strike me tomorrow or Friday. In the next week, I also have to go find an article to read and write up a speech about for Bio Seminar... my short talk will be on Monday the 20th.

The more time I spend at school and studying, the better of a housewife I think I would make.

Right now, Saturday is the only thing I really have to look forward to pulling me through this week. And the events of Saturday are a big 'if.' Last Saturday, my dinner date with the boy fell through so I wound up getting Chinese takeout and a bottle of wine and watching The Hangover while seething in my pissiness. This Saturday is the very last Tucker Cruise-In of the year and I was told that IF the Maserati is running and everything seems fine, I will be able to ride to the show in the car with him. I just hope nothing falls through because I really have my heart set on going with him and I know that plans can sometimes fall apart... I just have to keep my head up and hope for the best.


And I'm ready for winter. With winter comes hot white chocolate from starbucks and cuddling under a blanket.

And of course weather that's below 80 degrees. Yuck.

Poem about DNA :)

4:27pm

So I figured I'll just put this as a separate entry :)
In Genetics, we had to write a poem about DNA and why it is the heritable material, drawing from ideas presented in class. I decided to write about the duo who performed a sort of "capstone" experiment to prove that DNA is the material that is inherited from parent to offspring.

Some background; for years, scientists and geneticists were constantly debating on what material exactly WAS being inherited from a parent to an offspring. They didn't know if the material was DNA or a protein. In 1953, Alfred Hershey and Martha Chase designed an experiment in which they took a little thing called a phage (or bacteriophage), which is a virus that infects and replicates inside a bacteria cell. The experiment that they did is really too elaborate to go into exhaustive detail about, but basically they put the phages in radioactive Sulfur (S) and radioactive Phosphorus (P). Phages are made up of a protein coat and on the inside of it contains the DNA. DNA contains P and not S, while proteins contain S and not P, so when they're dipped in radioactive S and P, the DNA will show radiation from the P and the proteins will show radiation from the S. The infection goes like this: The phage attaches to the body of the bacteria cell and injects it's DNA (as well as the P), leaving the protein coat behind and on the outside (along with the S). Therefore, when you look inside the cell and see radioactive Sulfur, you know that it is the DNA that is showing it. This led to the conclusion that it was DNA, not proteins, that are the inherited material.

If that makes any sense at all. It's hard to explain, but really it's an elegant yet simple experiment.

This poem is written as a three-versed limerick. Because limericks kick ass.


"The Story of Hershey and Chase"

In the same year as Watson and Crick
There came a guy and a chick.
It was Hershey and Chase
With bacteriophage
Which make bacteria sick.

It was either DNA or protein
Into the cell that was flowing.
Instead of S it was P
So Chase and Hershey
Said it was DNA that was showing.

A long time they ferreted,
But Hershey and Chase can be merited
That protein's not it,
They finally got it
That DNA is the stuff that's inherited.


Thank ya, thank ya very much.

:]

It's one of those days....

12:54pm


One of those days, y'know.

Football gameday.
Autumn in the air.
Wind blowing.
Car show tonight.

THOSE kinds of days.

:)

I'm pooped

11;23

lieky lieterlly i cant enven typeo right, my brain cante make oust the keuys to tpestuff.

Fer serious though, I am extremely exhausted.

This is it for tonight. :)

MIKE MURPHY, you are mentioned in this post.

12:12am

It's been a while since I've been up past midnight on a school night. I've been busting it trying to study for this roots and prefixes test thing tomorrow. I just finished about an hour ago... and I haven't even started on all the other work I should do for tomorrow. But there's always time to procrastinate with on the blog, right? :) There's a crap-ton in Herodotus that I need to read and I know it will take forever, but I'm gonna try to bust some ass and get it done.

Lots of stresses are already starting to crop up this semester. Genetics lab, is one of them. My partner and I have been collaborating on how we will be able to get all of the extra-hours work done. She sent me an email and said that since she was a commuter, she'd prefer to get work done during the hours she's already committed to being on campus.... That's all fine and dandy except YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO COMMUTES AND DOESN'T WANT TO STAY ON CAMPUS LONGER THAN YOU HAVE TO. Of course her hours don't match with my hours of being on campus. We have totally opposite schedules. I have all classes on MWF, and she has all classes on T/TH. So this should be interesting. Another stress comes from working with the other Genetics group, only this is for lecture. One guy in my group lives on campus. The other rides MARTA to school. I have a feeling that this can get conflict-y too. Tomorrow in lecture, we'll be getting assigned a mini-project, which is writing a poem about DNA being the heritable genetic material.

MIKE MURPHY, THE ENGLISH MAJOR, I COULD USE YOUR HELP NOW. I gotta write a poem, STAT!

:)

It shouldn't be too difficult to do. I mean it's a freakin' poem about DNA. And it doesn't have to be complicated. I'm thinking a wham-bam limerick and the job will be done. I might try to get some ideas flowing during my break tomorrow so we can get it knocked out. Buuuuuuuuut the only thing I'm dreading about this is having to decide when to get together to work on it (because of travel and schedule conflicts, again). That and because on the first group project (picking a team name and writing a contract) every idea I had got shut down and we went with the other guys' ideas. Which is fine, I suppose, I guess my ideas just weren't good enough. We'll just have to wait and seeeeeeee what happens.

Bleghhhh so tomorrow:
Core
Genetics
Anatomy exam/long quiz
Checking on our fruit flies to see if they've reproduced yet. If so, transfer them to a new colony.
Quick lunch (brown bag, ftw)/ prepare for lab
Anatomy lab. Dissecting a dogfish shark, awesome. Not. Worried about not getting a good partner.

If we get out of lab at a decent hour, I'll spend the rest of the afternoon at the Tucker library. It's hella nice and it keeps me from having to drive all the way home for a little while, then all the way back for El Tap. I promised Roy I would come hang out for a little bit tomorrow since I haven't been around since his birthday party... which ended in tears for me. Long story short, Red and I fussed and I got upset. But whatevs.

And yes, I am still immature enough to actually get stressed out about whether or not I will have someone I know for a lab partner. There are some people in that class I'd just rather like to not be around.

Actually, if I smell like a fish pond, I gotta come home to shower anyway.

By the way, I realize how ranty and bitchy and sometimes downright silly these blogs get. But really, it's good for me to be able to get everything out at once. By typing out my feelings and thoughts, it does two things: I can get all (or at least most) of the things out of my head fast enough to where I won't leave anything out. Writing takes too long and I'll likely forget what I'm gonna say. And also, it lets me have an outlet for when I do get stressed out and just need to say what's on my mind. Once I really got into the habit of writing and ranting everyday last year, it became almost second nature. When I had breaks between classes, I would go to the library and sit in one of the private rooms and type. And it's like I looked forward to being able to go do that. It's not that I would be going about my day and something would happen and I would be like, "HOMGZ I cannot WAIT to write about you in my blog later!!!" It's not that intense and obsessive. But I definitely looked forward to being able to do daily updates, as well as mini-updates throughout a day. It's like getting together with a friend to have coffee and chat... only you get to do all the talking and they don't interrupt you or talk back. They don't even really have to listen or care. But it's definitely relieving to be able to get everything out.

Otherwise, if I held everything inside I'd probably explode and/or be more of a bitch than I already am.

So with that, I will leave the post. Will probably have an update later on today..... it IS after midnight, after all...

Is it the weekend yet?

2:56pm

Jeeeeeeze so much work already.

Yesterday was not all that bad. Genetics lab was long as fluck, but Bio Seminar let out after only 30 minutes. The only sucky thing about lab is that Dr. Schmeichel insists on treating us like we're still in grade school and give us assigned partners (same as in lecture, only it's different partners). Which could turn out to be a good thing, I suppose. But it's still much more enjoyable to work with someone you already know and can trust.

I have a test tomorrow in Anatomy over 230 Latin and Greek prefixes/suffixes. Most of them I already know through General Bio and stuff, but damn. It's a lot. So I should be studying that right now instead of being on here. :)

Tomorrow we start dissecting our dogfish sharks. It's gonna be a stinky one. I remember seeing the class doing it last year and the whole 2nd floor of Goslin smelled like a fish pond during the whole lab. And it's a multiple-week-long thing too. Hooray for fishyyyy smell!

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE not having class on Tuesday and Thursday? I don't know how I managed to get so lucky, but MAN I am lovin' it! I slept until 12 today, woke up for a minute, and then fell back asleep and slept until nearly 1:30. I felt like I could have slept til 5! I was verrrrrrry tired yesterday though. I woke up at 7, had class at 9, 10, and 11, then had a meeting from 12-1, then had to wait 15 minutes then go to another meeting at 1:15. Then class from 1:30-4:30 (yes it took the whole three hours) then class from 4:30-5ish (normally will be until 5:45pm). So I was pooped. Went to weight watchers (down 9.6 total :)) then ate dinner with my sister. Came home for a minute, then went to my special friend's house. I'm pretty sure at some point I fell asleep while we were watching tv, but it was just a power nap. Then came home at about 1:30ish. So. Like I said, I was pooped.

Allllllllllllright fine. I guess I need to go study now.

:S

Still Fidgety...

9:37pm

So the first two days of school have come and gone and I'm already in need of some motivation. I got loaded down with homework on the first day and am already starting to fall behind. And that's not good... Tuesdays and Thursdays are supposed to be my crunch-down-and-do-work-son days but last Thursday, I didn't do annnnyyyyttthhiiinnnggg. That morning I had a doctor's appt, then I came home to eat because I was starving (couldn't eat because I had to get bloodwork done and crap) So I ate brunch and then went to the club around noon to help my mom and aunt with their new phones. And I did not leave until 5. Five hours wasted. By the time I got home, I was tired, irritable, and had a headache so I wasn't in much of a mood to do a lot of reading. However I did read for core, but it's damn intense reading, so I was up late finishing it. I didn't even start on reading for Genetics and Anatomy. Anyway, long story short I have a ton of work to do tonight and am hoping to get it cranked out.

Friday was not such a good day, though. Wednesday was pretty awesome. The core professor isn't realllllllllly as scary as I first thought she would be. It's gonna be an intense class though. THAT much does scare me. When I first walked into the room, the desks were rearranged into a big circle and I got stuck sitting toward the front of the class.. which sucks, but whatever. I don't really know many people in there and the one person who I knew would be there came in late and got a seat on the other side of the room so I can't even sit by her. Whatevs. Genetics was okay. I got excited when I first walked in because I saw a bunch of people I had classes with last year and I got a really good seat in the middle and right inbetween two of my very good friends (and brothers from PhiDE). Love them! And then Anatomy came along. When we walked in, Dr. Baube told us that there was another book that we needed to get and also there would be a quiz on it in lab over the first chaper. Lab being in an hour. So that wasn't fun. I know a lot of people in that class too and I luckily paired up with a girl (also another brother) for the lab that afternoon. I feel like I jumped in with an awful bout of enthusiasm but I didn't want to get stuck with someone I DIDN'T know. So anyway, I got the book only to turn around and have the quiz cancelled. It was a long lab, we didn't leave until 4:30. We dissected a lamprey, which is kind of a weird looking eel with a big, round mouth and sharp teeth. This week we get to do dogfish sharks. Oh boy, I can't wait to leave smelling like a fish pond....... Anyway, back to Friday. All through core, I felt completely lost in the discussion, even though I had actually done the readings. We got let out of class about five minutes late so when I walked into Genetics my seat had gotten jacked by some other people so I ended up sitting in the back off to the corner by myself... I mean it was pretty much the only seat left anyway. Then we got assigned partners for our in-class work for the semester. One of them I didn't know personally, but I do know he's in SAE and buddy boy, I am not much of a fan of them. I know you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, but I've been judged by my cover enough times in my life that I think I've earned the right to be able to.... that and the reputations that I hear about them are enough too. The other guy I got paired up with it also a brother, took Organic Chem with me this summer, and did not mother effing remember who I was!! I know it's not really that big a deal and all, but my feelings were a little bit hurt.... Then anatomy came along and I was kind of lethargic through the whole class, mainly because I was just really tired but I was also bummed out from the first two classes.

Anywhosiers. Tomorrow is going to be a looooooong day. I have class from 9-5:45, with only a few breaks. My lunch hour will be consumed with a meeting of the majors and right after that, I have to go meet with the Genetics prof/advisor and talk about some stuff. Part of it is about class because we have to meet with her and chat, but part of it is for personal reasons. I'm going to discuss my future as a brother in PhiDE because she's one of the faculty advisors for us. Last year was not all that much fun and the fraternity was not what I was expecting and hoping it to be.... also the fact that I'm not pre-med anymore gives reason to forfeit membership since it's a fraternity strictly for pre-med and medical students.....

After the meeting is Genetics lab, which is going to be a long one too since it's the first lab meeting of the year and there's always a lot of business to attend to. Right after lab I have Bio Seminar, which is a speaking class that deals with nothing but biological topics. And thinking about that class makes me want to vomit. I hate speaking, I hate being stared at, I hate standing in front of people.... blah. At least it's only once a week.

So. Long day ahead tomorrow.

I really think I would feel better if I could have a hug or a cuddle with a certain somebody but a certain somebody has not texted me back in two and a half hours. So until he does, I will sit here and fidget. And maybe read Herodotus.

So it's been a minute, huh?

5:10 pm

Ahhh the stresses of the first week of school. Class doesn't start until Wednesday and I've been fidgety since last week. Today the nerves started moving in a bit. I checked the webpage of one of my professors and apparently he isn't going to wait to start slamming us with work on the first day. Wooo.

Here's the schedule for the Fall:
Monday:
9-9:50- Historical Perspectives on the Social Order (Core)
10-10:50- Genetics
11-11:50- Comparative Vertebrate Anatomy
1:30-4:30- Genetics Lab

(No class Tuesday or Thursday, excellent!)

Wednesday:
Same as above except,
1-5- Anatomy Lab

Friday:
Everything is the same except no labs.

I actually had another class, Biochemistry, that I will be dropping. By dropping that class, my schedule gets lowered from 20 hours to 16. So that's pretty awesome. I was completely crazy to think that I could take on 20 hours of classes. By doing that I will be accepting the consequence of graduating late. I've come to terms with this fact, I'm okay with it now. I definitely was upset at the beginning, that's fer sure.

Things will be different this year. I'm taking out my first student loan (absolutely terrifying). I did an online counseling session today and now I think I just have to wait to hear back from OU about which one I can apply for, and then apply for it. This year, I'm also going to try and step out of my comfort zone more. The classes that I'm taking, particularly Genetics and Anatomy, make you step up your game and kick some ass. There is no other way to combat first-day jitters than to just hit them head-on. Which is terrifying. Another thing that will be different..... is the potential for some new romance. Nothing is official yet, we haven't even gone out on a date yet :P But there is definitely something different about him. Of course that whole topic should be in a whole different blog by itself because it is a very, very complicated story. So it shall be saved for another time. :)

The things I'm dreading most about Wednesday are mostly just about the professors. I've heard terrible stories about how much of a hard-ass my Core professor is. My Genetics professor (who is also my very new advisor) has always been scary. I hear that everybody hates her class. The anatomy professor is the same guy I had for Bio 2 last spring. I went into that class with dread and came out absolutely loving it and loving him! Taking that class reassured me that the Biology major is what I wanted to do. Until then I had been beaten down by most of my other science classes, but Dr. Baube's class was a most pleasing experience. It's just unnerving to know that he's got so much stuff planned for the first day already. And it's not like I've been particularly looking forward to Anatomy lab.... we have to dissect a cat at some point. Blegh.

PLUS. There's always the stresses of which school supplies to pick out! Everything must be color-coordinated and everything has to match!!!

So consider this to be just a slice of the pie of what all is plaguing my mind at the moment. There are certainly issues that run deeper, but I would rather break them up into several mini-blogs instead of ranting all at once. Perhaps another later tonight....

Decisions

9:42 pm

I think I've realized what I need to do. Tomorrow, I should go into school and fill out the form to drop Organic II. There are alternative classes you can take instead. One of them is with Dr. Aufderheide, the man who made me absolutely hate my life my first year at Oglethorpe. I just can't take it anymore. I passed Organic I by 0.3 of a point. Not even fucking kidding at all. I got a 65.3 and 65 was the cut off for a C-. I'm just afraid I'm starting to burn myself out and I can't really be doing that since I'm taking such a full load this fall.

God I just don't know.
I don't know if I want to cry or scream.
I don't know if I should drop or not.
I don't know what to tell my parents.
I don't know how my parents would react if I had to graduate late.


I miss the days when the days' hardest decision was which color crayola to use in your coloring book.

Tomorrow, please. kthx

10:00 pm

Sooooo yeah. Totally had a perfectly good reason to hate lab with all my core on Monday. We were doing stuff with this chemical called hydrobromic acid. HBr is highly dangerous in that if the fumes come into contact with the tears in your eye, it starts burning and could potentially blind you. If you have on contacts when the fumes hit the tears, the contact lense will actually FUSE to your cornea. So that's not good. The fumes by themselves are dangerous to breathe and shit too so... anyway. So we got to messing around with the stuff and the apparatus of the poor guy next to me starts going crazy. His water hose popped off and stuff started going everywhere and little plumes of white smoke started rising up into the air.... awesome. No less than five minutes later, lo and behold I look up and there is white smoke coming out of mine too. I turned off the bunsen burner and backed away and called over the profs (who were yelling at me to turn off the heat.....) and it just kind of went away after a few minutes but I was shaking for the rest of the period. Another girls' also started smoking too, so it's not like I was the only one to fuck up but still. It's just the epitome of why I hate lab so much.

In retrospect, I would rather have a Physics lab every single day of the week than go to Organic lab. And we all know how much I hated Physics lab. Would totally pick it over Organic. Or maybe a root canal.

So last semester, it seemed that if I dreaded a lab then it would turn out okay but if I was confident before lab, it would go awry. Maybe it's the opposite this semester? Fuck, after Monday there is no way in hell I will have any kind of confidence going into lab tomorrow.

Fuck fuck fuck.

The only thing to look forward to tomorrow is after el tap..... I get to spend some special time with someone special. Or at least someone who's starting to become more and more special...


*blushes* :)

gahhh

10:41 am

annnnnnd cue the lab-induced stomach knots.

and cue the inability of dr. matthews to help ease those knots.


fucking a. Feel like vomiting.

only two more...

10:09 am

Only today's lab and one on Monday and that's it.... until the next Monday when Organic II starts.

I've come to the conclusion that the more I dread going to lab, the better it will turn out to be. Monday I went in with confidence and a little bit of excitement because I had thoroughly read the lab and knew what to do. Plus we had done a really similar one on that previous Wednesday, so I thought it would just be all gravy. Turns out it wasn't... I almost fell to pieces and ended up leaving as a very, very, very, very unhappy camper. See the logic? Last Wednesday I was dreading lab and it turned out to be really easy and I did it with no problems. On Monday I was excited and confident and I almost fell to shit. So today, I plan on... well I already am, dreading lab with every fiber in my body...

10:31pm- Dr. Matthews just talked to be for about 15 minutes about all the fears I have in this class. He just said to keep my wits about me and use common sense and to know that nothing that we do in there is terribly difficult.

It sucks that he was being such an asshole on Monday or else I would have actually taken him seriously. There is no suppressing the dread and fear I get. That's just how I am and how I'm gonna be. There's no changing it.

Bah. I guess I need to head up there soon... :S

***
3:57pm

Wow. I got a 51 on my test. Just... wow. I cannot believe I got half of that test completely wrong. I felt better about this one than I did on the last one and got better on that one.

It sucks being a fuckup.

sleepy

12:09 am

Fuck organic chemistry.

30 minutes

10:27 am

30 minutes until lab.

My irrational fears of fire and this class are making my tummy feel like I'm gonna either start spontaneously shaking or just vomit.

This is ridiculous.

***

9:52 pm

Okay so lab wasn't completely terrible today. I did almost start breaking down and crying when Dr. Matthews asked me why I looked so glum and I said it was because I hated the class and he said that I could talk to him any time... so I might next time.

The only really unpleasant part of lab today was when I inhaled the fumes of boiling carbon/charcoal powder... It did not feel very good... I was pouring the solution into the beaker thing and got a whiff and it was like in a matter of half a second, my throat was dry and closed, but at least I didn't do something embarrassing like start choking in front of everyone....

Then we got our "study" group together and did hardly anything. We're supposed to reconvene tomorrow with real questions that we can ask and work through... I did stay behind later than everyone and worked with another girl through a couple of problems.... She's really sweet and cares a lot about everyone, but goddamn she can be so dominating and irritating too. She's taken this class before and had to drop it, so she knows a good deal about some of the stuff we're doing right now so she likes to crack the whip and be the boss. But it's just one of those things ya gotta deal with... I just have to make sure I bite my tongue because I know how fast my temper can boil over.... I've seen me do it.

sooooooooo yeah.

Stressed out, uptight, overworked, wound up

8:40 pm

I'm such a baby. I bitch and moan and complain because I'm SCARED of lab. I didn't even know that was possible to be scared of a room with a class in it.
I don't like playing around with chemicals.
I don't like lighting burners (it goes hand in hand with not liking flammable chemicals)
I don't like messing with gas (it goes hand in hand with not liking burners).
I don't like working by myself.
I don't like having Dr. Matthews come around and yell about stuff.
I don't like having to ask questions because I don't know if I'm doing something right.

and probably more things that I can't think of. All of these reasons make my stomach knot up and puts absolute dread in my body on Mondays and Wednesdays. It's probably the most childish and chicken-shit thing in the entire world. But that's all I am anyway.

I want to re-live Friday night. Most of it, anyway. I'll skip the parts that include almost missing the wedding ceremony, crying and beating the steering wheel because of almost missing said ceremony, and when I got forcefully dragged by the bride to get up on the dance floor and dance and sing with them. And also the part where I accidentally slipped up and compared the grooms' cake to Publix cake.... which makes me want to just sometimes never talk or say anything again because 9 times out of 10, I usually say something stupid. The parts I would like to re-live are, strangely enough, all the parts when I was with Red. It really was a lovely time getting to spend a trip with him. We're still broken up, but we cuddled in bed and I even slipped in a totally-completely-by-accident kiss. It was just purely out of habit, but it happened and that was that. Another thing I'd like to re-live are the sangrias. Yummmmmmmmmy.

So now I've pretty much wasted the entire day away and will now become Organic Chemistry's bitch for the night.

Tuesday

5:47pm

Soooo... first Organic test was today. I got a 76. Which isn't completely, terribly bad for a mediocre amount of studying that was put into it. And all I want is a B anyway, so I'll take it. It's better than an F. At the end of the semester, the lowest test grade gets dropped and the three highest are taken, so if I can at least put forth a better effort of studying and pull out B's on the rest, I'll be good. The lab quizzes need to be brought up too. I've only had one and I got a 75 on it. Which, still, isn't terrible considering it was the very first one and there will be 5 others to balance it out.

I just hope I don't fuck up this summer.

Saturday

12:48pm

Boy I don't know what it is about me that pisses off my dad so much, but he sure as fuck has been chewing my head off more and more lately. The last couple of blowouts have happened right when something else has pissed him off and I just happen to be there for him to take it out on. Last week when we got back from Alabama, he was cleaning out the van and I asked him if he'd seen one of my bags, because it was missing. He said no and then asked me if I knew how to work the TV to get the DVD out of there and I tried and it wouldn't turn on for whatever reason. I was in a bit of a rush because I had to meet Tori somewhere so I didn't have a lot of time to fiddle with it. I asked him again if he was sure he hadn't seen my bag and he bellowed out a big "No, goddammit I haven't!" So I simply said (as I was getting out of the van) that it had important schoolbooks in it and if he found it, to let me know. He then called me an asshole twice for "huffing off with an attitude." Then today, him and my stepmom were outside trying to shave the dogs. One of the dogs, Bennie, was too scared to go over to Terri so I walked up to him and he started moving away, toward the steps to the pool. Of course as soon as he got to the steps of the pool, he jumped right in and so then dad yelled at me asking why I let him get in. Why didn't I grab him? Him being a 65-lb dog moving with a momentum toward downhill steps. Yeah right. So this time, I didn't say anything but I just walked inside the house and went up to my room. I'll probably get another call from my grandmother later telling me that I owe another apology for huffing off. That's what she told me last week when I was looking for my bag.

Whatever. I don't know what it is that I do wrong so much, but I wish I could figure it out so I could stop doing it.

Today is gonna be mostly spent doing Orgo homework..... whoopee.

Organic Chemistry is not for the weak-hearted.

1:56pm

Long week.
A chapter per day is how we're doing Orgo right now.
It's ass-kicking.
But so far not as bad as everybody and their mother has told me it would be.

so far....


Last night I had a naughty dream about Patrick Dempsey. In the pool. I woke up happy :)

Then another dream about going to this place called Flanigan's but it's not at all like the Flanigan's I know of and got terribly drunk at in Tucker. It was a huge mansion-sized bar/party/pool thingy. When you walked in, it was like a ski lodge, with all the cedar-wooded walls and fireplace and stuff. And it was a bar. Then you walk down the path to another area that turned into a huge hot tub venue.... like, literally, enough hot tubs and beer drafts to fill up half of a football field. Then you go into another area that has pools in the same size area. Then you go into an area that was home to a lot of aquatic stuff, with a bunch of fish tanks and stuff... and an octopus running around outside the tanks. It liked to attack people and it got ahold of me once, but I got away. After running away from it, you go up a hill to a kids' area, complete with skee-ball things and stuff. Then when you got to the end of it, it started all over. All in all, this place was like the Georgia aquarium meets Dave and Busters meets some bar in Colorado, and they all have an illegitimate love child. That's what this building was. And it was called Flanigan's.

Take me back to the McDreamy dream. That's what's up.

:)

Single

10:45pm

Welcoming the single life again... hoping it gets easier than I feel right now....

just plain awful.

oh hello wee hours of the morning, how I have not missed you...

1:09AM

Over the past winter break, it only took me two days to fall out of my sleep routine and slip into the staying-up-until-4-am-and-sleeping-until-2-pm thing. Last night I was up until about 3, partly because I was on a roll with importing a crap ton of CD's into my iTunes and it was just too much fun listening to all the old music to stop. Tonight will (hopefully) be an earlier night. I'm about to go get ready and get in bed. Maybe a good book will put me out.

Grades got posted today... and they were certainly a pleasant surprise. I got an A in Physics lab, a B+ in Biology and Core, and B's in Chemistry lab and PHYSICS of all things! I was definitely proud of myself. The GPA for the semester was a 3.2. Quite happy. Terri and dad took me out to dinner to celebrate and that was fun :]

Tomorrow I'm going to get my texts for Organic Chemistry for summer classes. Yayyyyy orgo... I'm really terrified about this class. I hear nothing but horror stories about it. For whatever reason, there is a feeling deep (deep, deep, deep, deep) down inside me that still has a flicker of hope that maybe Organic won't be too bad for me.

We'll just have to see.

So lately (especially in the recent days) I've been... ruminating on things in my life. Particularly in the relationship department. It's come to an almost daily even that I question whether or not Red and I are really supposed to end up together. Is there some other guy out there who would be better for me, who I could love more, or who could make me happier? Definitely one who wouldn't bitch and complain all the time if we don't have sex for a month. I thought I had everything in the world when we first started dating. He was the super-cool older guy who had some form of good standing reputation at Tucker and it made me feel on top of the world because everybody knew that we were dating. And as time went on... it lost that spark and intrigue. The goofy jokes and voices that he does used to be funny, but now they're just an annoyance to me. The funny guy that came out whenever we got a little bit drunk is now obnoxious and loud. The sex started out nice, it was truly one of the first times I'd really, really done it (my first time, I don't really know if I count or not... i'm not going into details, but there was never much of... nevermind) And as time went on, the old tricks got... old. Nothing was sparking anymore. And it had gotten to the point where *ahem* size may have something to do with it.

At one point, I wanted nothing more than to have a ring on my left hand and for my destiny to be picked. But now.... I think there's nothing I want more than to NOT have that kind of commitment. Maybe it's taken four years for me to realize that it's not what I want. At least I don't think I want. He is good to me. He loves me and I know he'd bend over backward for me.... but I can't reciprocate that feeling anymore. It's the one thing in my life that I honest to god feel like I have no control over because I'm too scared to take the initiative to fix it.

I tried breaking it off before. It didn't work. In October of 2008, I told him I wanted to split up. I admit, it was way out of the blue and completely took him off guard, so it was no surprise that he got as upset as he did. So we split... for a week. At the end of a week, he couldn't keep himself together and we agreed to go meet at Kelly Cofer park and talk. The talking ended up with him crying in my lap and begging me to think about things and decide that we needed to stay together. So I thought about it for a week, and at the end of it we ended up back together.

And I'm really beginning to wonder if it might have been the hardest and most regretful decision I've ever made in my life. Because now, it's been even longer and we've overcome even more and bigger obstacles in our relationship and there's no telling how bad the hurt would be now.

Maybe I should have said something then what I want to happen now...

Finals Blues

10:33pm

Ugh. Last two finals in the morning. Core is at 8 and Biology is at 11. I know I shouldn't really be that worried about them because I know I have a good grade in both of the classes. I guess it's just because I've been doing NOTHING but Biology since 11 this morning and am a little bit intimidated by the amount of information that I studied on the guide. And I haven't even touched Core yet.

It might be a long night..... :(
I need to caaaaaaaalllllllmmmmmmm dddddoooooowwwwwwnnnn.

And stop eating too. Jesus, I have been acting like such a heifer the last few days.
:(

Birthday Eve!

9:34pm

oh baby, baby, baby, oooooohhhhh.
It's goin' down tomorrow night.
I almost don't care that it's kinda sorta gonna be a bust because it's a tuesday night and I wanna go out drinking.
But I'm still super excited.

:]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

t-minus LESS THAN 48 HOURS.

9:59 pm

I bought a jeweled tiara to wear on Tuesday... and I am going to wear the shit out of it. Hopefully not get too tipsy to lose it, but I will be wearing it all night.

and maybe in class if I'm feeling really saucy...

Despite all the impending excitement, I'm in a kind of bum mood. It's for reasons that I can't complain about here... It's really kind of ridiculous reasons, but that's just me.

Anyhoosiers. I need to try and go to bed soon... I doubt I'll be able to anytime soon though. I had a redbull only three hours ago and I still feel kinda wired from that. And I'm starting to get really, really excited about Tuesday. The only real responsibility I have tomorrow (besides class, of course! Because I care SO much about THAT responsibility on the last two days of the semester....) is a quick quiz in Bio lab... It shouldn't be too long, Dr. Baube promised it would be. After that I'm going to Lenox to try and find some shorts to wear Tuesday night. I have most of my outfit picked out... a green plaid button down, a purple tank underneath, and my cowboy boots and my tiara. But of course, it's usually when I take the extra time to extravagantly plan something like that out is when it falls to shit. And hopes are not looking too terribly high since I have to resort to American Eagle to find some shorts, because theirs don't really fit me that well. If they don't have anything there, I'll go to Old Navy and see what they have and if I don't find anything, I guess I'll just suffice it to wear jeans.

bleh. Where's the optimism?!

The biggest hump day I've ever humped...

10:05 am

I has headache. :( But I gotta stick it out for only a couple of hours... I'm hoping to leave school by 2:30ish, go to the club to print out some stuff for the project, go tan, and get home to take a cat nap before El Tap. Then the fun will begin.... Finishing touches on the project, studying for Bio quiz, and throwing together a presentation for Core. Except I don't really think I'm gonna go through the trouble of doing a power point for Core.... it's too much work for such a small part. My chapter is literally only a page and a half... but it's a brief summary of everything that we (were supposed to have... cough cough) read so I may skim back through my notes and see. Power points are better because nobody is staring at you the whole time while you're talking and the lights are usually out.... it's just better.

Idk. We'll see. It depends on how long it takes me to get everything else done.

For now, I guess I need to go study for the chem lab final. I studied lots yesterday with a couple of people and studied more last night... There's only so much studying that can be done. The damn lab report due today was unimaginably difficult to do and since I had no idea how to do any of it, I deliberately made it to where Kabir isn't going to be able to comprehend anything... at this point I don't even care, he can give me an F on it because it is way too hard for a general-level class and I am planning on beasting the final so... it should be fine. I don't need to worry. I know this stuff and I have a solid B in the class right now anyway.

Everything is going to be okaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy.

Crap-ass Tuesday

1:20 pm

Not having it. No time to talk now because I can't make my brain string a coherent sentence together and because I have lab in ten minutes.

Definitely a grumpy day.

***
10:40pm

Okay well the day didn't turn out to be completely crap-ass, but it still did suck a lot.

Actually the only good thing that really happened was that Physics lab is done and over forever and ever and ever and ever.

Everything else was pretty much in the shitter.

But I'm too tired to stay up and write about it and I need to go study for the Chem lab final tomorrow... and hopefully MOTHER FUCKING GOD DAMN PHONE KEEPS RINGING. The housekeepers are house sitting while my parents are out of town and they fucking call each other every god damn five minutes. It's the reason I unplugged my room phone in the first place. I might have to do it again tonight just to mother effing go to bed.

Ugh.

At this rate, I'm gonna need the cocktail that is calling my name next Tuesday night.

Work, work all week long

9:58am

The first bite has been taken in the full course meal of the week.

That was a terrible analogy, but it's early, it's Monday, and I need some more caffeine.

Last night I started turning into a ball of nerves. It's silly, really, but that's how I get when I have big tasks and projects staring me in the face. The nerves go away once I take the full dive into the tasks and stuff... like last night, I had finished doing some physics re-test practice stuff and then I just started thinking about all the crap that's going on this week and it started worrying me. Which is retarded because I've looked at my schedule as a whole and I know what's coming and how to do everything... or at least most of everything. And it's nothing that I can't handle. But for whatever reason, I still get really nervous that I'm not gonna get everything done and [oh god here comes the librarian, staring at me and I have a bottle of water up here and we're not supposed to have food and drinks, okay he's gone] and that maybe I'm gonna lose all the confidence and stamina that I have built up to tackle everything. Then again, once I started on the Physics project everything started flowing smoothly and I actually got re-excited about it. I got about 1/3 of the stuff printed out and glued on some background paper. When I put it up against the board to see how everything would fit... I almost had too much information. It barely fits and it's gonna overlap into the middle section a little bit, but eet's okaaay.

Then I have the Physics re-test today. I mean.... with the last test plus the re-test I came out with a 90 overall. This time, I got a 30-something on the test and can hope for (at best) a 50 with the re-test. I have no excuse to not do well in this class. We get cheat sheets to use on the tests. I did well on the last test, so there's no reason I shouldn't do well on this one.

Also today, the Biology lab presentation. It almost turned into a very sour day earlier this morning. I was downstairs thinking about the day and realized that I had left my Bio binder upstairs with all my notes and crap in it.... so, potential disaster day avoided once again :] The presentation itself shouldn't be that bad. It's a group thing so I won't be the only one up there talking and I'm going first so all three minutes of my speech will be over first.

The Physics test is at 11:00, so I need to go do some last minute studying.

***
12:38pm

blah. Stupid Physics. Whatever, dude. I've got it pulled together now, for the last two weeks that matter. The final will be my bitch.

Biology Lab presentation in t-minus 50 minutes. It should be good. It's going to be good. My slides to present are easy to talk about and I'm going first. It'll be great.

God, if I'm getting this nervous about doing one measly group presentation, how the fuck am I gonna fare in the Fall with Bio Seminar, aka, oral presentations every week about Biology stuff?

Jeeze. At least Monday is almost over. A couple more hours and I'm home free for the day. After I leave here I'm gonna go get lunch and then go home. I should probably go walk around Stone Mountain for a little while too. Then I'm gonna do my Chemistry lab and get it out of the way, then probably study some for the Chem lab final on Wednesday. I need to beast that one too. I didn't do terrible on the midterm, it was a C+, but I'm going for nothing below a B this semester. After that I'll work on the project some more and hopefully can finish it tonight.

Lots of caffeine is in my future, I can tell.

***
8:19pm

Presentation went alright. I started off good and then about halfway through my part, I started burning red in the face and I would bet a million bucks that I was broken out in hives all over my neck and chest.

dammit.

but it went well. Afterwards, me and a couple of kids in my class ventured down into the dungeons of the library to work on Chemistry lab stuff and ended up not doing Chemistry lab stuff, but watching videos of Senator Robert Byrd (youtube him, he's hilariously barbaric!!) and then watching the last 15 minutes of Anchorman.

But overall, it was a swell day. Tomorrow should be a relatively calm day. Class in the morning and the LAST PHYSICS LAB EVER. Today I had to postpone lunch until about 4:00, which sucked ass. I was very light headed while listening to presentations, but I didn't have time to go get anything at noon. Tomorrow should be better though... I have a real lunch hour before lab, then I have to meet steve and livia after lab to work on ANOTHER lab. Woo hoo science majors.

Anyway, so the plan for tonight is to try and get the poster board done so I won't have to worry about it. Or at least get it 80% done. Tomorrow is going to pretty much be dedicated to studying for the Chem lab final on Wednesday. At some point I'm gonna have to do my Core shit too. Blegh.

25% through the week from hell (because I'm counting only through Thursday...)

:]

Sunday, the calm before the storm

7:26pm

The storm being the coming week. It very well may be the end of me. Except I'd really like to live to see by 21st birthday, so I'm gonna try to not let the end happen.

Pretty much this week is just going to have to be taken one day at a time.
So.
Monday:
class
test retake
presentation

And for right now, that's all I'm gonna worry about. Except that I really, really, REALLY wanna work on my Physics project.
EXCITED. :]

Long time?

11:15am

Wow, it feels like it's been way longer than three days since I've written anything.

It's been crazy busy lately. Next week will probably be even crazier because, seriously, EVERYTHING is due and/or happening next week. Everything being our biology presentation, a physics test re-take, THE LAST PHYSICS LAB EVER., chemistry lab final, biology quiz, core presentation, physics lab project poster due, chapter, and stomp the lawn. The bio quiz, core presentation, physics project, and chapter are all on Thursday, too... Stomp the Lawn is going to be my reward for making it through the week without going insane. I've actually never been to STL because last year, I was off on a golf tournament when it happened, so I'm looking forward to actually getting to participate this year.

Then the week after next, all I have is a biology lab quiz, initiation, MY BIRTHDAY and classes on tuesday, then margaritas for lunch :], then a speaker that night and then it's off the raise hell at the bar! wooooo! Final Thursday, Friday, Derby party Saturday, final Final on Tuesday the 4th, beach on the 15th, alabama on the 21st, then summer schoooooooooool.

It'll be fun. It makes it easier when I have everything laid out in front of me so I can see what's going on and all the deadlines.

Ordinarily on a Friday, I wouldn't still be at school this late in the day. I have one class from 9-9:50am and then I usually hightail it back home to go back to bed. But today I have to meet with my biology group for our presentation to finalize some shiz. THEN I can hightail it home. I was supposed to meet with my Physics lab partner to work on the poster board, but I the board needs another coat of paint so I couldn't bring it today and there's really not a lot of work that needs to be done except typing up the information and gluing it down. I didn't mean to monopolize the whole project, but I went ahead and did most of the research, got the board, and painted it and I have the whole finished product visualized in my head. I mean it's dealing with the physics of golf, so I'm kind of excited about it.

I just need to finalize some of the research on it. Biology first, though. And Physics re-test studying too. Then we can work on it.

Blah. I still have an hour and a half until I need to meet with the group. I kinda need some caffeine so I may run down to the BP in a minute and grab a redbull. Lunch will probably wait until after the meeting... except my tummy just rumbled after I said that.... boo.

Oh mah gah

2:59pm

I am actually really friggin' excited to do our project for Physics lab.

whatthefuck.


It has to do with golf and all sorts of cool shit that I hope we can do.
And I'm totally including a picture of the gopher from Caddyshack on it.

Phuck Physics

9:40pm

I knew I was gonna fail it. Whatever dudeeeeeee.

Okay I actually do kinda wanna cry about it. Except I knew I set myself up for it. I flat out didn't study. Like I didn't study for the quiz in Biology the other day. And I failed it. Out lowest quiz grade does get dropped, but I was already banking on another one getting dropped.

Whateverrrrrrrr I just gotta stick it out for two more weeks. Then bust my ass to study for finals. But two more weeks as of tomorrow. Two weeks until the last day of school AND my birthday!

Ah okay. Gotta go do some work, even though we don't have class tomorrow. Instead we have the liberal arts symposium which is just a day when some students throw together all these projects to show off their liberal-arts-ishness. It's not mandatory, but there is a [highly] recommended meeting of the majors at 9 in the morning and I'm supposedly meeting my Physics partner to figure out wtf we're gonna do for our project, but she has yet to respond.........

bah.

STUDYSTUDYSTUDYSTUDYSTUDY.

Weekend

11:29am

Well dammit. I skipped Physics again this morning. But srsly though, waking up at 7am on a Friday to drive 45 minutes across the perimeter just to sit in a class for only 50 minutes and then drive back does not feel worth it sometimes. It's not very motivating.

And anyway, I'm buckling down the next couple of weeks because there are only a couple of weeks left in the semester. So I gotta crank out some good stuff and get shit done.

DO WORK.

Pollen=laziness

11:58am

I am badly, badly, badly, badly, badly unconcerned with the fact that I probably did not do well on my Physics test. I'm exhausted, my allergies are killing me, I've had a headache for three days, and I have a lot of other stuff on my plate right now.

But, I'm trying this whole new being-optimistic-more-often thing so the way I see it is if I could have made at least a 50 on it, then that's fine. We'll have a re-test which can give (potentially) up to 20 points on the original score. If I get all of those, it would bump up to a 70 and that averaged with the score from the first test would still yield a B.

Idk. My head is just killing me right now and I can't think. I don't want to think. I just want to go sleep.

It's been a minute..

8:53 am

Oh my god, I just avoided a potentially terrible, screaming, fighting, kicking in the walls kind of day. Thank you to the Oglethorpe Registrar for taking pity on me and preventing that catastrophe.
Here's the scoop: Today is registration day and since OU is a couple of years behind every other college in America, we have to physically go wait in line and fill out papers to register instead of doing it ourselves online. So I woke up this morning at 5:30 and got to school to wait in line at 6:45 am. I was about 10th or 11th in line. Finally 8:15 am rolls around and the assistant guy comes out and gives a brief announcement just reminding us to have our papers and ID ready to go..... So I reach in and get out my papers and wallet... except my wallet is nowhere to be found. I started shaking when I realized I didn't have it and almost started tearing up in line. Finally when I get to go in to the lady to register, I immediately start spilling out how I don't have my ID or license or anything and that I had been in line for nearly two hours and it would take me an hour to go home, get my wallet and come back and (then I started crying a little bit) then I said that the only thing I have on me with my name on it is a prescription... she told me it was okay and to calm down and that we could probably work something out. Long story short, they pulled my file and I just had to verify a couple of things (like my HS name, last 4 digits of the phone # and stuff) and they told me I could register. Then I pull out my summer form, just to see the lady hang her head and tell me that it was the wrong form. Before I could start spilling the tears again, she asked the head registrar if it was okay to have a different form and she said it was fine. So FINALLY I got to get all my stuff done. And I got all the classes I need. Now if I can just bare my teeth and keep my head on this summer and pass Organic Chemistry, I'll be cleared to take all the classes in the fall and graduate on time.... granted if I pass all those.

Phew. Total disaster averted.

Now on to study for the Physics test tomorrow [EEEEEEEEK!]

***
9:48pm

Energy drinks, om nom nom nom nom.

Stupid Physics. I did well on the last one so why am I freaking out about this one? Maybe 'cause this time I haven't been studying the stuff as much as I did last time. Idk.

I have a lab report that needs to be typed up and is due tomorrow as well as several things for another lab report for another class that's not due until Monday. But my partner and I agreed that we'd have our halves done by Wednesday. But my half is going to be looking more like Thursday..... hmmm.

al;sdguh2n3s8d7gahsdl*#^#HDjfh8^28

10:58 am

idk. I'm in a good mood right now.

For whatever reason.... the next month is going to be crazy busy. Somehow, though, when I put my calendar on my desk and look at it as a whole and can see all the deadlines and stuff... it puts me at ease. Maybe that's part of my OCD that kicks in. But it's calming. Comparatively speaking, on Sunday night I was started to freak out about everything because it was the end of Spring Break and I hadn't done any work over the week and I knew there was a bunch of shit that needed to get done, but Monday I sat down and marked down every single thing that needs attention and I felt better.

Except a lot of the stuff I don't wannnnnaaaaa dddddooooooo :(

But my birthday is in 28 days. So that's always awesome.

The plan is that on my actual birthday, I'll go to class (its the last day of school, psht) and then for lunch, I'm going to go to Sangria's and have me a fattening lunch and a margarita. Mmmmmmmmm margaritas. :]

Exercise for today has been abruptly cancelled due to a last minute meeting set up. Which sucks because I feel like I was starting to get back on track with walking and eating right. If it's not one thing it's always another. I've got it narrowed down to just a few critical components that I need in order to have a successful weight loss:
1. track food intake. There's an app on my phone that I can do this with and it shows me the daily calorie budget and you can enter in how much exercise you get.
2. cardio exercise. Walking, running, climbing stairs, anything that gets your ventricle pumpin'. (bonus points for anatomy reference :] )
3. drink lots and lots and lots of water. It flushes you out and makes you feel full (and can settle a grumbling tummy if there's still an hour or so to go until lunch)
4. stop eating when you get full. Just because there's still half of a 14 oz. salmon filet left on your plate does not mean that you have to shovel the rest of it down when you start to feel that tightness in your abdomen (like I did at dinner last night......) Wrap it up and save it for lunch tomorrow.
5. pay attention to portion sizes and, if possible, use measuring cups and spoons to get more accuracy. This can be difficult because you always think that you can eyeball a serving, but it's really more difficult to get accurate with that method.

And there are probably a couple of other things too. But those are 5 key components that I have to follow for success. It always seems like I can only get 3 or 4 of the 5 done in a day and make it habitual. Like I said, if it's not one thing it's another. Today I've tracked my food and brought two extra bottles of water (4 and 5 don't really apply until dinner because I usually have a fixed breakfast and lunch). I was planning on walking at Lenox today when I went to go get lunch. Now that I have a very inconvenient meeting set up right at noon, it'll cut my lunch hour and I won't have time. Usually I leave campus a little before 12, get to lenox by 12 or a little after, walk until 12:30, eat lunch and leave by a little after 1 because I have a 1:30 class. I suppose I could try to squeeze it in after my afternoon class or do something after dinner.

bah. oh well. I'm still in a good mood :]

Bah, Humbug

11:57pm

I so do not want to go back to school tomorrow. Already. Spring Break went by too fast and was filled with too little adventure. Except the last couple of days. From Thursday until now it seems like everything worth doing on Break was done. But that's no different than a normal weekend, so it feels like for the first half of the break all my time was wasted.

Part of the reason I don't want to go back is because of all the work I have coming up in the next month:
- physics test in a week
- biology lab work in the field (tomorrow, blegh)
- 2 biology lab reports
- core presentation
- physics project
- biology project presentation

Then there's all the fundraising crap for PhiDE. Another round of tabling begins this week so I need to figure out when I can squeeze that in. This weekend is our big fundraiser for the skydiving event, which I am totally not interested in going to whatsoever. First of all, it's Easter weekend so the girl who planned it either has no family or does not pay attention to her calendar when planning things like this. Second of all, the event is happening a-fucking hour's drive away. Third, I just don't want to go hang out with all the brothers all damn day like that. Another fundraiser thing coming up in a couple weeks is Relay for Life, which I absolutely do not want to do because we actually have to participate in the event. Like, walk around the track for an hour. Granted, even my lazy fatass can do that because walking for an hour isn't terrible difficult exercise. I just don't want to do it.

Wow, I whine a lot.

At least at the end of this month's time span, it'll be my 21st birthday. I already have it planned, on my actual birthday I'm going to get Tori and go eat lunch somewhere (potentially P.F. Chang's, but more likely Sangria's or something) and by god I will have me a cocktail or two.

So that'll be my mantra for the next four weeks. Hopefully it'll fly by.

I miss Red right now too. Even though I spent the night with him and saw him all weekend. I've kinda been a bitch to him lately, but I'm stressed out and it just seemed like he's been pressing every single wrong button when I see him. It's just frustrating when I feel like the thing he looks forward to the most is the sex. Which is part of the reason why we haven't done it in so long because I'm just trying to prove my point. I'm waiting for the opportunity to prove it to him as well as myself.

I think I just need to get me some happy pills. Maybe they'll make me nice :]

SBX

1:11pm

It's only a couple of days into Spring Break and I'm already feeling the effects of what I was dreading most about it.... boredom. There certainly are plenty of things that need doing, like cleaning my room.... or cleaning my room.... That doesn't really need doing so bad... not that messy.

But I am quite bored.

I suppose I could go try to be an overachiever and do some schoolwork.... but what's the point? The purpose of Spring Break is to break away from the stresses of school for a few days and go do something else. I just don't know what that something else is. School is my life and whenever it's not going full throttle, I get thrown off track and don't know what to do. Right now, it's absolutely zero throttle (if anything, we're slammed on the brakes). It sucks too because everyone else has stuff to do during the day. Red's at work all day, Tori's at school because she doesn't have a spring break, my parents are off doing god knows what all day. School is my job and whenever there's a leave from my job and I don't have any real vacation planned, I'm at a loss for something to do.

I do have goals for this week, however. Even though I've learned very well recently that I suck at keeping and reaching any goals that I set. But this week I was planning on doing some form of exercise every single day. Friday I went running. Saturday I played golf. Sunday the weather was super, duper crappy and rainy so I stayed in. And today it's effing freezing cold (I heard that there were snow flurries in Marietta this morning) so I probably won't get out today. There's a treadmill in the office that I could go walk on, but Dottie's in there still recuperating from surgery and idk if it would freak her out or not. I could always just suck it up and go pay the $15 for a Wii sensor replacement and get back into my Wii Active. What better time than now to go get one? I've been thinking about doing it forever.

Perhaps I'll go later today. I lucked up and got ushered in for one of the afternoon massages today, from 3:30-4:30. So that'll be nice.

I have a feeling I'm gonna become.... re-become a FarmVille junkie this week. I've already been playing a lot lately, but now that there isn't really anything else to fill out my day soooo..... yeah.

I should probably go shave my legs now. Last time I had a massage, I hadn't shaved in about a week and I felt just awful for the lady.

Ah Phooey

10:24am

So I skipped Physics. I'm an epic failure. It was pure laziness that kicked in this morning. As the alarm clock began buzzing at 6:45, I reached over and hit snooze. For the next 30 minutes worth of snoozing, I realized that I just did not want to have to hassle with my contacts or do my hair or makeup or get dressed or anything (sorry, vanity is my sin.) So I was just like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu** it, I'm sleeping in. Then when I woke up, it felt like it was about 1:30 or so... just one of those feelings. But it was only 10. So that was a pleasant surprise.

but in other words, LET THE SPRING BREAK DEBAUCHERY BEGIN.

The Eve of Spring Break

10:38pm

I made my Bio test my bitch today. Idk about Core because I feel like I was very short-spoken but possibly covered all of the main ideas. Well for the most part.

So SBX has unofficially started since all of my major responsibilities are over with. The only thing I have left tomorrow is a Physics class at 9:00... which I don't want to go to but I did make it my personal goal to quit skipping that class. Plus, I have to sign up for a project for Bio by tomorrow, so I might as well go.

Also, so far I have kicked my stepmother's ass at scrabble four times in a row... about to be # 5.

victory. :]

It's only one of my favorite days of the year

9:58am

I'm at the point where I'm concerned that I overdid the amount of green I have on so I keep constantly checking myself in the mirror, but it keeps reassuring me that it's actually just the right amont. I have a kelly green t-shirt, a lime-ass green purse, lime green necklace, and eyeshadow by the name of 'lucky charms' (mixed in with gold and stuff too...)

I can't even give a real reason why I love St. Patty's day as much as I do. I'm probably only, like, 1/10th Irish anyway... but that's better than nothing.

Anyhoosiers, I have a very important chemistry lab report that I have to go type up before class... which makes me angry with myself because I'm usually on top of all my lab reports and get them done within a couple of days after being assigned it. I've been slacking lately, but it's probably due to Spring Break, which starts in less than 48 hours.

ps. I got a 98 on my Core test. Make that 4 for 5 A's in my classes with B trailing not far behind.

:D

10:15pm

Guh. Mood= not so great right now. It's nothing that I can really talk about either... even though I'll probably give in and vent about it next free chance I get.

Right now, though, I have to go study and drink caffeine and make my stomach turn knots for tomorrow's exams in Core and Biology. Back-to-back.

at least my coffee tastes good.

Beware the Ides of March

11:16am

So I totally have a fighting chance at getting all A's this semester if I keep up the pace and quality of work I've been doing so far. Except Biology, I'll probably be vying for a B, which is absolutely acceptable too. I just gotta keep things in control. I keep an Excel workbook of all my grades and so far I have a steady A in Physics, an A in Chemistry Lab, an A in Physics lab, and a B+ish in Biology. I have no clue about Core because M. Smith has had our gd tests for, what, three weeks now? Nearly a month? We have another one this Thursday so maybe we'll have them back before then so I'll have some clue about how I'm doing...

With the extra credit tacked on to the Physics test, it bumped it up to a 91.

Which gives me goosebumps thinking about it. Hell, even in high school I never did that well in Physics. Of course my final grade in the class was a 79.48-something and the bitch wouldn't round it up which gave me the only C I ever earned in high school......... then I hit college and that's another ballgame but.... still. An A in Physics.

I feel like I have my head on straight for the first time in three years.

***
9:34pm

Wow I am so not used to this time change yet. And to have slept as crappy as I did last night, I'm not terribly tired right now, so that means I'll likely be up late. But at least I have my productivity cap on :]

I went walking at Stone Mountain today after I got home from class. Definitely needed that. I tried alternating jogging but I started feeling like what I imagine a heart attack feels like so.... that's not good. Gotta start slow. I'm hoping to maybe make it out there every day this week. Wednesday it's supposed to rain so we'll just have to see on that one.

Tomorrow is Tuesday and we all know I would ordinarily be extraordinarily grumpy, except we don't have Physics Lab tomorrow. HOOOOOORAY! It's supposed to be a research week for our project... which we kinda need to get started on. But I have way too much other crap to worry about this week.

I've been having a huge guilt on my shoulders all day because I still feel bad for Saturday night. There's a portion of the night that I don't remember, like whenever Red wanted to leave. It scares me... blacking out scares me. There are too many things that need to be kept in my head that could so easily slip out. I'm trying to shake it off and I hope that if I write about it here, it'll lighten up a little bit.

Gah.

At least I've made a significant dent in the workload for the Biology test on Thursday. Well... it feels significant. There's no such thing as studying too much for Biology. After I finish the review sheet that Dr. Baube gave us, I'm hoping to make some flashcards. Then there's the Core test too.... I don't even know what to say about that yet, seeing as I haven't read anything in that class yet this semester. But I'm certainly not the only one.

Tomorrow is dad's birthday. He's still a young'in... only gonna be 49. At least that's younger than his son-in-law. :] PhiDE had terrible timing with our next speaker because he's coming to talk tomorrow night and it's right at the most inconvenient time on a birthday.... 7:30pm so we either have to eat early or late.

This is probably going to be the most random-ass blog ever, but that's just how my mind works.

While I was walking today, I started thinking about stuff. Lots of things have been bothering me lately, but it's things that cannot be helped. Things that I brought upon myself in the past and have to live with the demons of them now. But that's another story. While I was walking, I realized how little I smile now. Genuinely smile, that is. I can smile and smile and smile all day, but it's never a genuine one. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm necessarily unhappy because I'm not. I am a happy person... compared to a couple of years ago. I temporarily fixed everything back then and put them in the back of my mind and things began to fall into place again. But I never seem to genuinely smile anymore. This is a realization that hit me Saturday night (before the drunken pissing of the pants and all that crap). Something happened that made me genuinely smile, but for the life of me I cannot remember what it was. It was a fleeting moment, but it happened and I knew it was genuine because it felt different than the regular smiles I'm used to. It felt so real. And I just wish I could figure out how to get it back and make it stay.

hm.