12:48pm
Boy I don't know what it is about me that pisses off my dad so much, but he sure as fuck has been chewing my head off more and more lately. The last couple of blowouts have happened right when something else has pissed him off and I just happen to be there for him to take it out on. Last week when we got back from Alabama, he was cleaning out the van and I asked him if he'd seen one of my bags, because it was missing. He said no and then asked me if I knew how to work the TV to get the DVD out of there and I tried and it wouldn't turn on for whatever reason. I was in a bit of a rush because I had to meet Tori somewhere so I didn't have a lot of time to fiddle with it. I asked him again if he was sure he hadn't seen my bag and he bellowed out a big "No, goddammit I haven't!" So I simply said (as I was getting out of the van) that it had important schoolbooks in it and if he found it, to let me know. He then called me an asshole twice for "huffing off with an attitude." Then today, him and my stepmom were outside trying to shave the dogs. One of the dogs, Bennie, was too scared to go over to Terri so I walked up to him and he started moving away, toward the steps to the pool. Of course as soon as he got to the steps of the pool, he jumped right in and so then dad yelled at me asking why I let him get in. Why didn't I grab him? Him being a 65-lb dog moving with a momentum toward downhill steps. Yeah right. So this time, I didn't say anything but I just walked inside the house and went up to my room. I'll probably get another call from my grandmother later telling me that I owe another apology for huffing off. That's what she told me last week when I was looking for my bag.
Whatever. I don't know what it is that I do wrong so much, but I wish I could figure it out so I could stop doing it.
Today is gonna be mostly spent doing Orgo homework..... whoopee.
May 29, 2010
May 28, 2010
Organic Chemistry is not for the weak-hearted.
1:56pm
Long week.
A chapter per day is how we're doing Orgo right now.
It's ass-kicking.
But so far not as bad as everybody and their mother has told me it would be.
so far....
Last night I had a naughty dream about Patrick Dempsey. In the pool. I woke up happy :)
Then another dream about going to this place called Flanigan's but it's not at all like the Flanigan's I know of and got terribly drunk at in Tucker. It was a huge mansion-sized bar/party/pool thingy. When you walked in, it was like a ski lodge, with all the cedar-wooded walls and fireplace and stuff. And it was a bar. Then you walk down the path to another area that turned into a huge hot tub venue.... like, literally, enough hot tubs and beer drafts to fill up half of a football field. Then you go into another area that has pools in the same size area. Then you go into an area that was home to a lot of aquatic stuff, with a bunch of fish tanks and stuff... and an octopus running around outside the tanks. It liked to attack people and it got ahold of me once, but I got away. After running away from it, you go up a hill to a kids' area, complete with skee-ball things and stuff. Then when you got to the end of it, it started all over. All in all, this place was like the Georgia aquarium meets Dave and Busters meets some bar in Colorado, and they all have an illegitimate love child. That's what this building was. And it was called Flanigan's.
Take me back to the McDreamy dream. That's what's up.
:)
Long week.
A chapter per day is how we're doing Orgo right now.
It's ass-kicking.
But so far not as bad as everybody and their mother has told me it would be.
so far....
Last night I had a naughty dream about Patrick Dempsey. In the pool. I woke up happy :)
Then another dream about going to this place called Flanigan's but it's not at all like the Flanigan's I know of and got terribly drunk at in Tucker. It was a huge mansion-sized bar/party/pool thingy. When you walked in, it was like a ski lodge, with all the cedar-wooded walls and fireplace and stuff. And it was a bar. Then you walk down the path to another area that turned into a huge hot tub venue.... like, literally, enough hot tubs and beer drafts to fill up half of a football field. Then you go into another area that has pools in the same size area. Then you go into an area that was home to a lot of aquatic stuff, with a bunch of fish tanks and stuff... and an octopus running around outside the tanks. It liked to attack people and it got ahold of me once, but I got away. After running away from it, you go up a hill to a kids' area, complete with skee-ball things and stuff. Then when you got to the end of it, it started all over. All in all, this place was like the Georgia aquarium meets Dave and Busters meets some bar in Colorado, and they all have an illegitimate love child. That's what this building was. And it was called Flanigan's.
Take me back to the McDreamy dream. That's what's up.
:)
May 19, 2010
Single
10:45pm
Welcoming the single life again... hoping it gets easier than I feel right now....
just plain awful.
Welcoming the single life again... hoping it gets easier than I feel right now....
just plain awful.
May 12, 2010
oh hello wee hours of the morning, how I have not missed you...
1:09AM
Over the past winter break, it only took me two days to fall out of my sleep routine and slip into the staying-up-until-4-am-and-sleeping-until-2-pm thing. Last night I was up until about 3, partly because I was on a roll with importing a crap ton of CD's into my iTunes and it was just too much fun listening to all the old music to stop. Tonight will (hopefully) be an earlier night. I'm about to go get ready and get in bed. Maybe a good book will put me out.
Grades got posted today... and they were certainly a pleasant surprise. I got an A in Physics lab, a B+ in Biology and Core, and B's in Chemistry lab and PHYSICS of all things! I was definitely proud of myself. The GPA for the semester was a 3.2. Quite happy. Terri and dad took me out to dinner to celebrate and that was fun :]
Tomorrow I'm going to get my texts for Organic Chemistry for summer classes. Yayyyyy orgo... I'm really terrified about this class. I hear nothing but horror stories about it. For whatever reason, there is a feeling deep (deep, deep, deep, deep) down inside me that still has a flicker of hope that maybe Organic won't be too bad for me.
We'll just have to see.
So lately (especially in the recent days) I've been... ruminating on things in my life. Particularly in the relationship department. It's come to an almost daily even that I question whether or not Red and I are really supposed to end up together. Is there some other guy out there who would be better for me, who I could love more, or who could make me happier? Definitely one who wouldn't bitch and complain all the time if we don't have sex for a month. I thought I had everything in the world when we first started dating. He was the super-cool older guy who had some form of good standing reputation at Tucker and it made me feel on top of the world because everybody knew that we were dating. And as time went on... it lost that spark and intrigue. The goofy jokes and voices that he does used to be funny, but now they're just an annoyance to me. The funny guy that came out whenever we got a little bit drunk is now obnoxious and loud. The sex started out nice, it was truly one of the first times I'd really, really done it (my first time, I don't really know if I count or not... i'm not going into details, but there was never much of... nevermind) And as time went on, the old tricks got... old. Nothing was sparking anymore. And it had gotten to the point where *ahem* size may have something to do with it.
At one point, I wanted nothing more than to have a ring on my left hand and for my destiny to be picked. But now.... I think there's nothing I want more than to NOT have that kind of commitment. Maybe it's taken four years for me to realize that it's not what I want. At least I don't think I want. He is good to me. He loves me and I know he'd bend over backward for me.... but I can't reciprocate that feeling anymore. It's the one thing in my life that I honest to god feel like I have no control over because I'm too scared to take the initiative to fix it.
I tried breaking it off before. It didn't work. In October of 2008, I told him I wanted to split up. I admit, it was way out of the blue and completely took him off guard, so it was no surprise that he got as upset as he did. So we split... for a week. At the end of a week, he couldn't keep himself together and we agreed to go meet at Kelly Cofer park and talk. The talking ended up with him crying in my lap and begging me to think about things and decide that we needed to stay together. So I thought about it for a week, and at the end of it we ended up back together.
And I'm really beginning to wonder if it might have been the hardest and most regretful decision I've ever made in my life. Because now, it's been even longer and we've overcome even more and bigger obstacles in our relationship and there's no telling how bad the hurt would be now.
Maybe I should have said something then what I want to happen now...
Over the past winter break, it only took me two days to fall out of my sleep routine and slip into the staying-up-until-4-am-and-sleeping-until-2-pm thing. Last night I was up until about 3, partly because I was on a roll with importing a crap ton of CD's into my iTunes and it was just too much fun listening to all the old music to stop. Tonight will (hopefully) be an earlier night. I'm about to go get ready and get in bed. Maybe a good book will put me out.
Grades got posted today... and they were certainly a pleasant surprise. I got an A in Physics lab, a B+ in Biology and Core, and B's in Chemistry lab and PHYSICS of all things! I was definitely proud of myself. The GPA for the semester was a 3.2. Quite happy. Terri and dad took me out to dinner to celebrate and that was fun :]
Tomorrow I'm going to get my texts for Organic Chemistry for summer classes. Yayyyyy orgo... I'm really terrified about this class. I hear nothing but horror stories about it. For whatever reason, there is a feeling deep (deep, deep, deep, deep) down inside me that still has a flicker of hope that maybe Organic won't be too bad for me.
We'll just have to see.
So lately (especially in the recent days) I've been... ruminating on things in my life. Particularly in the relationship department. It's come to an almost daily even that I question whether or not Red and I are really supposed to end up together. Is there some other guy out there who would be better for me, who I could love more, or who could make me happier? Definitely one who wouldn't bitch and complain all the time if we don't have sex for a month. I thought I had everything in the world when we first started dating. He was the super-cool older guy who had some form of good standing reputation at Tucker and it made me feel on top of the world because everybody knew that we were dating. And as time went on... it lost that spark and intrigue. The goofy jokes and voices that he does used to be funny, but now they're just an annoyance to me. The funny guy that came out whenever we got a little bit drunk is now obnoxious and loud. The sex started out nice, it was truly one of the first times I'd really, really done it (my first time, I don't really know if I count or not... i'm not going into details, but there was never much of... nevermind) And as time went on, the old tricks got... old. Nothing was sparking anymore. And it had gotten to the point where *ahem* size may have something to do with it.
At one point, I wanted nothing more than to have a ring on my left hand and for my destiny to be picked. But now.... I think there's nothing I want more than to NOT have that kind of commitment. Maybe it's taken four years for me to realize that it's not what I want. At least I don't think I want. He is good to me. He loves me and I know he'd bend over backward for me.... but I can't reciprocate that feeling anymore. It's the one thing in my life that I honest to god feel like I have no control over because I'm too scared to take the initiative to fix it.
I tried breaking it off before. It didn't work. In October of 2008, I told him I wanted to split up. I admit, it was way out of the blue and completely took him off guard, so it was no surprise that he got as upset as he did. So we split... for a week. At the end of a week, he couldn't keep himself together and we agreed to go meet at Kelly Cofer park and talk. The talking ended up with him crying in my lap and begging me to think about things and decide that we needed to stay together. So I thought about it for a week, and at the end of it we ended up back together.
And I'm really beginning to wonder if it might have been the hardest and most regretful decision I've ever made in my life. Because now, it's been even longer and we've overcome even more and bigger obstacles in our relationship and there's no telling how bad the hurt would be now.
Maybe I should have said something then what I want to happen now...
May 3, 2010
Finals Blues
10:33pm
Ugh. Last two finals in the morning. Core is at 8 and Biology is at 11. I know I shouldn't really be that worried about them because I know I have a good grade in both of the classes. I guess it's just because I've been doing NOTHING but Biology since 11 this morning and am a little bit intimidated by the amount of information that I studied on the guide. And I haven't even touched Core yet.
It might be a long night..... :(
I need to caaaaaaaalllllllmmmmmmm dddddoooooowwwwwwnnnn.
And stop eating too. Jesus, I have been acting like such a heifer the last few days.
:(
Ugh. Last two finals in the morning. Core is at 8 and Biology is at 11. I know I shouldn't really be that worried about them because I know I have a good grade in both of the classes. I guess it's just because I've been doing NOTHING but Biology since 11 this morning and am a little bit intimidated by the amount of information that I studied on the guide. And I haven't even touched Core yet.
It might be a long night..... :(
I need to caaaaaaaalllllllmmmmmmm dddddoooooowwwwwwnnnn.
And stop eating too. Jesus, I have been acting like such a heifer the last few days.
:(
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