Welcome back into my life, blog.

1:50pm

It really has been too long since I've written anything. I think that's caused a lot of the bottled up stress that I have going on right now. Well really until about 30 minutes ago I wasn't that stressed or upset, but school of course changed that for the day.

Let's start with school.

I hate school. I am so ready for school to be over, but I'm stuck in it for at least another year after this one. This year in particular sucks ass. I hate my Biology public speaking class with a passion. I had my long speech this past Monday and after spending a week working my ass off on my powerpoint and marching my ass up to the front of the room and talking for 25 minutes, I honestly thought I had done a kick ass job. Granted I had to take a xanax again just to calm me down, I don't know maybe that's why I felt so good about it because I was just feeling good period. Today I got my evaluations back from the students in the class and boy howdy did I suck! They pointed out every single "um" and "so" and stuttering of words that I did through the whole thing and MADE IT A POINT to call me out on being nervous.

**on a side note, I just spent the last 15 minutes writing and somehow I pushed something and it's all gone now except for what's above so. Fuck it. I'm not re writing it.

So life updates. Life's going alright I mean it could be worse. I went to a new doctor on Tuesday and talked to him about all the shit that's been going on and he prescribed be Celexa, which is a mild antidepressant, and Ativan, which is like xanax and is used for treating anxiety and panic attacks. I'm extreeeeemely relieved to have the ativan now. I'm really more relieved to have that than the celexa. It's something that's hard to explain and describe to someone who is normal and doesn't have anxiety and nerves. It's a feeling like there's a really big dog sitting on your chest, you feel so much compression and tightness around your whole chest. Then every so often there's a tingly feeling that shoots down from your chest to the bottom of your spine. And of course there are always butterflies in the stomach. Sometimes it's worse than butterflies, it feels more like... stomach clenching, I guess. Really hard clenching though. Sometimes you get light headed enough to where you feel like you could pass out. While all of that is going on on the inside, stuff goes on outside too. Your face turns red, sometimes (if you're like me) your neck and chest get splotchy red, your eyes feel like they're the size of dinner plates, and you can feel your heartbeat in your throat. You literally have to tell yourself to breathe because sometimes you stop. This is what anxiety and a panic attack feels like. It is one of the most unpleasant things you can ever experience. But there are drugs that help fight that. For instance Monday, I took a xanax for my speech. The whole day I had that compressed chest feeling. I could not wait until 4:00 rolled around because that meant that it would be time to take my pill and let it dictate the rest of the day. Within fifteen minutes, I was fine. The compression was gone, the stomach clenching was gone, the shaking was gone, the tingling in the spine was gone... everything felt like it was going to be okay. And I made it through the speech without passing out or throwing up. So I talked to the doctor and he thinks it's more anxiety than depression so he went ahead and gave me the ativan too. And just knowing that I have the bottle in my purse with me wherever I go is comforting. If anything starts happening and I start feeling like that, I know I'm only fifteen minutes away from relief.

Of course my stepmother thinks I make all this shit up.

Other things in life that are considerably more peachy: joel and I. God I love that boy. He makes me smile so much. I love being around him, I love falling asleep on his chest, I love how his hair smells, I love his soft kisses, I love when he puts his arm around me.... it's amazing how much you can change. I never would have thought that I would have given him the time of day, let alone to start falling for him. I honestly used to be scared of him.... it got to a point where he seemed like he was following me around and would come to sheridan's where I worked and sit in the parking lot and stuff... I mean it got to the point where it freaked me out a little bit. But now that I know him and I know his family and the kind of people that he comes from.... I want nothing more. He's just as normal as anybody else is. And God do we have everything in common. Except for football teams. That's the only thing :D

Okay well. I feel a little bit better. Not a lot because now that I've been talking about him I want to go see him but he's at work for the day and I have to go do some studying anyway. Maybe later tonight..