oh hello wee hours of the morning, how I have not missed you...

1:09AM

Over the past winter break, it only took me two days to fall out of my sleep routine and slip into the staying-up-until-4-am-and-sleeping-until-2-pm thing. Last night I was up until about 3, partly because I was on a roll with importing a crap ton of CD's into my iTunes and it was just too much fun listening to all the old music to stop. Tonight will (hopefully) be an earlier night. I'm about to go get ready and get in bed. Maybe a good book will put me out.

Grades got posted today... and they were certainly a pleasant surprise. I got an A in Physics lab, a B+ in Biology and Core, and B's in Chemistry lab and PHYSICS of all things! I was definitely proud of myself. The GPA for the semester was a 3.2. Quite happy. Terri and dad took me out to dinner to celebrate and that was fun :]

Tomorrow I'm going to get my texts for Organic Chemistry for summer classes. Yayyyyy orgo... I'm really terrified about this class. I hear nothing but horror stories about it. For whatever reason, there is a feeling deep (deep, deep, deep, deep) down inside me that still has a flicker of hope that maybe Organic won't be too bad for me.

We'll just have to see.

So lately (especially in the recent days) I've been... ruminating on things in my life. Particularly in the relationship department. It's come to an almost daily even that I question whether or not Red and I are really supposed to end up together. Is there some other guy out there who would be better for me, who I could love more, or who could make me happier? Definitely one who wouldn't bitch and complain all the time if we don't have sex for a month. I thought I had everything in the world when we first started dating. He was the super-cool older guy who had some form of good standing reputation at Tucker and it made me feel on top of the world because everybody knew that we were dating. And as time went on... it lost that spark and intrigue. The goofy jokes and voices that he does used to be funny, but now they're just an annoyance to me. The funny guy that came out whenever we got a little bit drunk is now obnoxious and loud. The sex started out nice, it was truly one of the first times I'd really, really done it (my first time, I don't really know if I count or not... i'm not going into details, but there was never much of... nevermind) And as time went on, the old tricks got... old. Nothing was sparking anymore. And it had gotten to the point where *ahem* size may have something to do with it.

At one point, I wanted nothing more than to have a ring on my left hand and for my destiny to be picked. But now.... I think there's nothing I want more than to NOT have that kind of commitment. Maybe it's taken four years for me to realize that it's not what I want. At least I don't think I want. He is good to me. He loves me and I know he'd bend over backward for me.... but I can't reciprocate that feeling anymore. It's the one thing in my life that I honest to god feel like I have no control over because I'm too scared to take the initiative to fix it.

I tried breaking it off before. It didn't work. In October of 2008, I told him I wanted to split up. I admit, it was way out of the blue and completely took him off guard, so it was no surprise that he got as upset as he did. So we split... for a week. At the end of a week, he couldn't keep himself together and we agreed to go meet at Kelly Cofer park and talk. The talking ended up with him crying in my lap and begging me to think about things and decide that we needed to stay together. So I thought about it for a week, and at the end of it we ended up back together.

And I'm really beginning to wonder if it might have been the hardest and most regretful decision I've ever made in my life. Because now, it's been even longer and we've overcome even more and bigger obstacles in our relationship and there's no telling how bad the hurt would be now.

Maybe I should have said something then what I want to happen now...